Thingsthatgotlost’s Weblog

I have a darkness that I visit, quite unwillingly, a few times each month.  It’s the kind of place that if someone told me about, I would say…just don’t go there, you can do it, you have control over this…but I don’t have control over it…I can’t will it to stop…I can’t will myself out of that place.  It’s frustrating.  And I lose a couple of days each month to darkness and despair.  And then I come back…sort of…It wasn’t supposed to happen this time, there were plans in place and there was the opportunity to really overcome this and then it was upon me and boom.  Darkness.  I know I’m in it, I just don’t see that I’ll get out of it…this time, what if this time is different and it’s NOT okay.  What if…

I’m out of the darkness again.  I did make it out.  Everything is right back where it should be…sort of.  This time I recorded some of the events on paper, so I could remember the darkness…so I can figure out a way to avoid it next time. 

So this time…I will begin to pray.  I will pray for God’s hand to hold me as I approach the darkness…as I count down the days before it arrives, and count on Him to make the darkness not so dark. 

That’s my plan, anyway.  It’s what I should do…count on Him.  Believe that He is stronger than any pill I take or positive thought I entertain. 

I’d like to lose this darkness. 

I was realizing the other day that there are some things that have gotten lost along the way.  This thought, as far as I can tell, was sparked by the title of the movie “Things We Lost in the Fire”.  I thought about the things I’ve lost in all of the mess that is my life.  I thought about all the important things I don’t remember and the random things I do recall.  I wonder how important the things I don’t remember really are and how vital the things I do remember are.  It’s sort of a weird thought, I know.  But I’m weird when I think…and other times too.

I have another blog where I whine alot.  I don’t really mean to whine in it, it just sort of happens…and then I think…ugh…that’s so not what I meant to say, but all the things I meant to say are lost in what overwhelms me.  So I’m going to try not to whine here…however much a part of my nature whining is…and focus on trying to regain the things I’ve lost that are of value, and let go of what I’ve lost that was meant to be lost.

There is one important thing that I have not lost…

Salvation is found in no one else, for there is no other name under heaven given to men by which we must be saved

And so I begin my the next leg of my journey.  Intentionally seeking, intentionally losing. A whole lotta intention going on over here in my world. What am I thinking?